Monday, October 31, 2005

Sweaty Halloween!!

It's a funny thing this global warming. Obviously I don't mean I burst out laughing every time I read about carbon emissions, but it's kinda funny wierd sometimes. Like yesterday for example. I was lying on the beach, watching people swimming, soaking up the sunshine, and lamenting the demise of the polar ice caps. Ok, so the last bit isn't true, but it should be, considering the only reason that I'm lying on the beach at Halloween is because of global warming. I only discovered last week that this weather isn't normal for Barcelona. There was a front page story in the newspaper about the bizzareness of people eating roasted chestnuts on the beach in their swimwear. Apparently it hasn't been this hot in October since the 1800's. Then again, they didn't have global warming in the 1800's, so maybe it's all just natural after all.... sure feels that way as I lie there soaking up those cancerous rays and inhaling the pollution... ahhhhh.

Did you read about the lastest weapon in the fight against Malaria? Apparently they've just created a genetically modified mosquito with glow in the dark testicles! Sounds like a joke huh? But no, it's true. The glowing gonads help scientists separate males from females so that they can sterilise the males and release the back into the wild. The only problem now is whether or not female mosquitos will actually be attracted to a guy with flourescent blue bollocks. So anyway, now that they have the technology, it's only a matter of time before it hits the human market. "Are you fed up of trying to find your balls in the dark? Sick of having 'normal nuts'? Get new "GLOWING GONADS"! One simple operation and your balls will be the envy of your friends and family forever!".

By the way, I'm coming back to England for Xmas! I'm flying into East Midlands Airport, conveniently located just below Sheffield... talk about false advertising! Anyway, hope to see some of you then. Otherwise, hasta luego!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Ahem.... Ahem.... May I have your attention please... I would like to announce my return to the blogging community as of now. I hereby do swear upon the almighty internet that i shall do my best to write seemingly inconsequential yet strangely compelling stories about extremely personal matters, and shall post them on this blog for the world to see. By the powers vested in me i now pronounce this blog... re-opened!

So, you may be wondering what I've been doing all this time... the problem is, it's top secret, and if i told you I'd have to kill you. With this being a public blog, that would mean killing everyone with access to the internet just to be on the safe side, which is just plain impractical, so lets just say i've been "lying low" in an undisclosed seaside city on the soath coast of england. Ok, so where am I now? Well, actually I am in Ester's flat in the old district of Barcelona, Spain. Yes, I have once again escaped the pain and misery of the english winter just in the nick of time. So, Barcelona...

To be honest most of my time here so far (about 3 weeks) has been spent running around like a burning rabbit (use your imagination) trying to find a job and stuff like that. So now I have a job teaching english to rich teenagers with gucci sweaters, hemp bags, and suspiciously bloodshot eyes... I have managed to do some sightseeing tho... the weekend before last was the Merce, which is the festival of barcelona... it lasts 4 days and has bags of shit happening all over the city... in fact right outside my balcony I managed to see a beautiful display of the spanish love for combining children and fireworks... For those who don't know, in England fireworks are given the same respect as grenades and semtex (except in Hyde Park, in Leeds, where the local kids use them as a substitute for grenades and cemtex), meaning that children under the age of 25 are not allowed near them, and instead are forced to stand behind metal barriers whilst "professional" (drunk) adults try to ignite the fireworks with their ciggarettes.

In spain however, adults recognize the imortance of being able to hold fireworks directly and spray their beautiful shower of sparks at other children. This is why they organise an event where about 1000 children aged about 7 - 18 dress up as devils and march down the high street holding catherine wheels on sticks and waving them erratically. You may imagine that everyone with any sense would keep a safe distance from these flamethrowing pyro-kids, but you would be wrong. In fact, the idea is to take your kids (the ones too young to hold the fireworks, i.e under 7) and run underneath the shower of sparks, taking care to try and cover your eyes and hair to avoid blindness/baldness/3rd degree burns. By the way, did I mention that each catherine wheel explodes when it finishes? Oh yeah. And not with a "Phut" like british bangers, but with a proper "KERFUCKINGBLAM!!", sending extra sparks and burning debri everywhere.

Wait a second, I almost forgot the best bit! The kids are just a warm up to the main even, which is a "dragon competition". People make large dragons on wheels, some as big as a transit van, each with an assortment of fireworks sticking out of it at a variety of angles. When the signal is given, all the fireworks are lit (usually by someone holding another firework) and the blazing dragon is then spun around and pushed threatingly into the crowd of spectators, who all run laughing and putting out their hair...

I somehow managed not to take a single photo, so you'll have to trust me on this one. :)

Anyway, I have to go and teach some more delinquent spanish kids... let me know if you're still listening people! Maybe this could be the start of something special.... :)