Hi all,

I've recently started trying to learn some meditation/relaxation techniques to help me with a problem I have with chronic muscle tension (and maybe help me discover the meaning of life in the process). The problem is, I'm crap at it. The general idea behind most forms of meditation is to focus the mind, quieting all those random thoughts that keep flying aimlessly around inside your bonce. By doing this, you can find inner peace apparantly. Sounds great huh? But damn it's difficult! Some people chant a mantra to themselves to focus their mind, for example Ommmmm. I find this too confusing. How long is an Om supposed to be? So I've opted for "1,2" instead. Simple but effective. Well maybe not effective, but definitely simple. So, here's how a typical attempt to meditate goes:

I am lying on the floor (sitting cross legged is too damn uncomfortable, and as for the lotus position... HA!) with my eyes closed, taking long deep belly breaths and focusing on my mantra... 1....2....1....2.... then it all starts to go wrong:

"1...2...1....2....ok, just gotta stop thinking... damn! that was a thought! ok...1...2...argh! my nose itches! oh well, I've only just started, maybe I should just scratch it and start afresh... *scratches*...ahh, that's better....actually, no it's not! Now my whole face itches! Ok, come on Billy, just ignore it! Just focus your mind, it's just a sensation...ok...1....2....1.....2....Why can't that bird shut up??!! bloody bastard bird!! No, stop! This is negative thinking... I've got to stop thinking and just 'be'. Ok...just 'be'......1....2.... I wonder how long I've been doing this now?.... maybe I've already done my half hour..... No! Got to carry on until I manage to stop thinking!....1...2.... hang on.... how will I know I've stopped thinking if i'm not thinking? mmmmm...ok, ok, just go with it billy!....ok....1....2....1....2.....1.....2....1. .2....1....2.....1.....2......1......2......Ok...... if team blue manage to secure the spagetti post then it'll be all clear for us to capture the runner beans. If I could just get ....a ....little...closer.............Hang on, this is a bit bizzare..... which means I must be falling asleep.... shit! I've stopped counting!!!! Ok... come on billy! 1....2...1....2....1......2... Mmmmm, maybe I should count to 4 instead of 2 like it says in the book.... maybe that's why it's not working? Or maybe it's cause I'm still thinking about it. Right, that's it, I give up! I'll do it tomorrow!"

You get the idea. It's not easy being an enlightened being! How these monks spend their whole lives in meditation I shall never know! Ok, time to try again.....